Friday, July 15, 2011

The Perversions of Squirrels: A Children's Story

I have fallen behind in my postings, for two lovely bloggers recently bequeathed to me the "Seriously Cute" blogger award: Cherie of Ready.Write.Go (Cherie, Cherie, I Sing of Thee!) and Riley Redgate of In the Jungle. (Isn't "Riley Redgate" a great name for an author, by the way? And she's a teenager. What was I doing as a teenager? Learning how to smoke cigarettes behind the school gym, probably.)

Here is the award they gave me. I'll give it to some people, too. But you have to wait until the end!

Even my wee turds are cute. Even the one you stepped on while running shoeless through the fresh green grass, %$%#$! Am I a Shi'Tzu? I think so. If so, even my darling anus is cute. I am cute all over.
I'm supposed to list down 5 books/films/TV shows I've read or watched in the last 12 months. But, of course, I won't follow these rules. I think you've learned that by now.

In an effort to prove just how much I merit this award, I decided to share with you a children's story I adapted several years ago (recently unearthed from a box in the attic). The original title was Squirrels All Year Long. I did this during work hours for my former employer so, in essence, I was paid to "translate" this work into a new and righteous form. (I did say "former employer." Current employer, if you are reading this, you well know that I would never mangle a children's title on company property.)

I give you Squirrely All Year Long. 'Twould be sad to leave it in the attic, yes?

If you've gotten this far, you may have been tagged 'n' bagged. These fine individuals have earned the  Seriously Cute Blogger Award, and may do with it what they will. Following the original rules is OK! Or, you could take on this challenge instead: Show us why you are so durned cute, and use a visual or two.

I choose:  
K. Marie Kriddle, whose take on my last wicked meme was laugh-out-loud hilarious.
Jaded Little Girl, whose comments on my blog are like prose-poem bombs.
Kerri of Write.Eat.Repeat., who appeared to me on Twitter in a pleasing vision.
The Inner Owlet, a fellow Blogvel writer and fun-lover.
Jen Winsword, because I just love her Twitter handle (@googlypants) and Blog name. Wrath of Jen? I too, am a Jen, and have wrath.
Lettuce Is The Devil, because he wrote a post about turd-burgers. What will he do with a "Cute" blogger award?


Read my books; lose ten pounds! said...


HelenQP said...

Awww... Tweet. So educational.

Jen said...

Love it! Brilliant! This will be the next "Go The F*ck To Sleep".

cherie said...

Oh Pony!

Pony, Pony, Pony.

Your brilliant creations...there are just not enough words, or the right ones to describe how awesome you are in your madness. I love me a lunatic, seeing I'm one myself.

Oh Pony. You constantly amaze me. I'm almost tempted to go back to school and pursue medicine. Give me ten years and I could be a brain surgeon. 'Cause I really, really want to see what goes on in your pretty little head. (Methinks I'll see some squirrels and a few nuts!)

Love ya!

Angela V. Cook said...

Soooo . . . what you're saying is, whenever the friendly, neighborhood squirrels come up to me and take little acorns out of my hand, they're really just trying to catch a glimpse up my skirt!?!?

Alas, I will never look at a squirrel the same way . . .

Anita Grace Howard said...


You da bomb, my pony girl.

Chen Yan Chang said...

You are right. My comments are prose-poem bombs ;)

You know why?

Because I am da bomb. (Hey, hey, the phrase may be outdated, but it is true!)

Everything I say is an explosion of delight.

By the way, I love your version of the squirrel story. Very dirty-minded squirrels. That's why they like nuts so much ;)

greenwoman said...

Wait wait WAIT! I thought I commented! Did I not comment?

Or was it so obscene and inappropriate that you didn't approve it???

Hmm. Well, let me comment now. This was . . . amazing. Genius. I want you to move to Oregon and be my BFF. Please? *flutters eyelashes*

tori said...

Dear Author,

I am able to offer you a B contract that includes payment in an amount that surpasses your wildest dreams if you allow me to bring this treasure to children around the world by reprinting it in my magazine. PLEASE?

kerrimaniscalco said...

You know...I always thought there was something odd about squirrels. Now, I know the truth. They're nut obsessed perverts! Seriously, this was too funny and thanks for the sweet, sweet award!!! :)

Bethany C. said...

Clearly these are east coast squirrels. The squirrels in California aren't evolved enough to think about popping beer bottles with their enormous teeth. They just cruise the hood in their smart cars and, with paws raised into tiny little fists, scream about embracing change!

K. Marie Criddle said...

BWA GA HA. There is nothing I love more today that this book. I demand a copy! Publish that shiz, Pony! (And thanks for the tag! I am soooo inspired.)

EEV said...

I want me a beer-opening squirrel! Could you give me one? Please? =D

Mindy McGinnis said...

Oh shit, that's too funny. I giggled. Not much of an LOL'er.

LisaAnn said...

Yesssss!! My favorite part was the baby squirrel orgy... Shit's tiring, you know??