Saturday, November 12, 2011

My Holiday Catalogue: Gifts That Will Inspire Ire, Spittle, and Occasional Terror

It's a star. On top of a tree. This is why it qualifies for "Inventor's Corner." Because it's a star. On top of a tree! (They trademarked "menorahment" so don't you try to borrow it.)

This guy's nickname in high school was "The Slanket." He touched girls underneath big blankets then, too, but now the girls can't get out because his patented "The Slanket (R) Siamese" is actually like a big molesto-sack!

What's really in that bottle of "Go Away Gray"? Is it really "Go Away My Weak Flaccid Weiner"? Mmm, mmm, she seems to think so!

Well, you had me at "the secret is in the soft silicone poly magnetic feelers that soothingly manipulate..."

Auntie June in a Box; fits neatly under the bed for winter storage. Emerges fresh and lifelike!

Is the cat pooing, do we think, while this photograph was taken? Or tinkling? Or both? And of what is he thinking? Philosophy? The world economy? Gnawing on your nads? It is a subject of much debate among shoppers everywhere.

Yummy home-grown fungus in a box! I so can't wait to eat this.

Keep recalcitrant employees captive at their desks with the "shoe boot." No more two-hour lunch "hours" and gossip by the water cooler. Plus, they will have toned metatarsels.

He doesn't look bashful. He looks kill-ful! He's GOING TO FUCK UP YOUR SHIT! Happy holidays.

This is funniest when you're bald. In fact, it's a laugh a minute! Precisely one laugh per minute, until doomsday arrives and/or bald uncle Jimmy swings his golf club at your scampering rump.


Riley Redgate said...

HAHAHAHAHHA. I was on a plane recently and saw about half of these and had giggle-snort fests to myself while onlookers gave me strange looks. 'Slanket' is possibly the least appealing collection of phonemes ever compiled into a single word by anyone in any language ever.

tori said...

OH, SKYMALL! YOU SLAY ME! As does your brilliant commentary. I may need to invest in several versions of you think they double as security systems for warding off intruding Slanketeers?

(FYI, the required word verification for this comment is "icest.")

K. Marie Criddle said...

YES! SKYMALL IS THE BEST! I regularly steal Skymalls from planes and leave them in bathrooms. Light reading for all.

And no joke, I actually OWN the Litter Kwitter (and yes, my cat did poop in the toilet for a while before she kicked it) (not the toilet, the bucket)...but what's more, whenever I would bring out the box, my cat would freak out and attack it.

TL;DR that cat freaks other cats out too.

LisaAnn said...

Oh my God, I am laughing so hard right now. Kitty pooper and Bigfoot brought tears to my eyes...

Bethany C. said...

My dad has that hat!! It's true! He also wears socks that say, "world's greatest lover." This is PASTOR Tom we're talking about. And you wonder why I'm so jacked-up.

I love you Pony--I so needed this laugh today :)

The Rake said...

awesome sinks