The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, III

1. What are you wearing?
A cheap faux ruby necklace from Annie SEZ that causes people to exclaim "Ooh, where did you get that cute piece of jewelry?"

2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
Asbestos poisoning from something foul I inhaled on the way home past a construction site.

3. What was today's workout?
A 45-minute jam-packed session at New York Sports Club (SoHo) with the goddess of Total Body Conditioning, Loi, who puts more into 45 minutes that one ever dreamed or dreaded. She hates "girlie pushups" and wimpy manuevers that avoid exertion, and she strides around the class, demanding "more energy, people!" Sometimes she claps her hands and shouts "I'm busy, people. Busy! Move it!" She is a 40+ beautiful black woman with a body better than a 21-year-old, and she likes to say things such as "When you do your squats, stick out your booty like Brad Pitt is right behind you!" This is better than a personal training session!

4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
I offset my moral "carbon emissions" through well-placed prayer and random kindness to strangers.

5. What's that burning smell?
A smokie treat. Oh crap, when the nurse practitioner at my work health center reads this, her finger will start a-wagging.

6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
My old pet Dalmation, wearing a tutu that I used to tug on to her body with much protest and nipping.

7. What are you drinking, and why?
A full-bodied Aussie Shiraz, this one called "Mollydooker: The Boxer." A bit too thick and fruity for my tastes, but yummy all the same. Why? It warms me soul and pickles me heart.

8. In what ways hast thou offended?
I tossed an organically-raised white cabbage that might have turned the bend, but could have been salvaged with some careful pruning.

9. What's the next big thing?
Pigeons. They will appear on the menus of every fine restaurant in the form of "Pigeon Pie," "Squab Bundtcake," and "City Vermin Frisee with a Soot Demiglaze."

10. Music selection?
The Watson Twins, Southern Manners. Yes!
Gosh, why didn't I have a twin with whom I could record songs? Except that my twin would likely have been as tone-deaf as me. EXCEPT I do have the ability to sing single notes weirdly on pitch, note after note, when playing the guitar late at night. EXCEPT I have to have not smoked to accomplish this. Blast!

Global Warming: Yeah, it was invented to SCARE you!

I finally watched An Inconvenient Truth last night. (I don't get out to the movie theaters much; Netflix is my preferred vendor of films both old and new.)

This is a horror movie! No kidding. Any fool with at least one eye, one ear, and a modicum of sweatglands cannot fail to see the changes that are occurring right now. And one o' those polar ice chunks could start to melt any day, giving me the luxurious waterfront property I have always dreamed of.

My favorite part of the film is when Gore surveys a slide of the Planet Earth being weighed on some scales against a stack of gold bars. Hmmm...that gold looks mighty good. (He says.) I'd like to have some of that!

When is he going to announce his candidacy? I hope he is biding his time, ready to spring like a leopard when the rest of 'em have squandered their millions and weakened their voices from constant squawking. Although I am fond of Obama; he still seems relatively untainted. This film is the best campaign video ever made...with not a wit of politics in it at all. He has some real passion.

The good news is that we can do something. Go to the link above and check it out. I discovered that, by eating such numerous local, organic salads, I am already doing a good thing. And one other thing not mentioned is that these salads do not require heat--raw is good! I am part of the Raw Food Movement! Although a good filet mignon is hard to beat.

Here are stupid things that offend me that contribute to global warming:

Asinine plastic fruit packaging that is not coded for local recycling, to protect the poor, tender pears from a bruise.
The deli guys who put a can of Diet Coke into a paper bag for you, with a napkin and a straw.
Diet Coke and its ilk.
The people in Pelham who have ONE spoiled child each and yet drive monstrous SUVs hither and thither, taking up all sorts of room.
Scaredy-cat kids who have to leave the lights on all night. (Aww, I guess I can forgive them.)
Nurserys that sell little plants in plastic buckets, instead of biodegradable pots.
The New York Post. Its very existence.
Packaging for ^%$#@ children's toys that adds eight pounds of plastic, cardboard, and plastic wirey things to a toy which is junk and will be ignored after the first 5 minutes.
Flatulent cows.

Oh, I could go on. How about all those nasty factories burning fossil fuels faster than you can say "Enjoy your watery grave, coastal dwellers!" How about those lard-ass burpers and farters at the Radisson Pool, gorging themselves on beef raised on what was once verdant forest soaking up all that nasty CO2? [My fact checker is away on a guitar mission.]

I am mad, and my back hurts. I also ate one large cupcake today and it started to do backflips in my tummy, after it encountered the antioxident salad particles that have made the place their home lo these many weeks. There was a brief scuffle and the cupcake was neutralized, but not without some nauseating pain. Damn the cupcakes of the world! Damn their sweet, creamy frosting!

Thought: How does one become so evil that one is willing to be a "global warming is a hoax" sort of person? I mean, a hoax to what end? Why would someone bother to perpetuate such a hoax? To scare people into recycling and using energy-smart lightbulbs? Hmmm. Yes, that's it. Those people mean to prosper from the hoax! And if they do mean to prosper, doesn't it follow that...achieving a safer planet might also be good for the economy?

Or is that the Green Team, as it were, doesn't mean to prosper financially, but they just like SCARING people (a la Michael Crichton's relentlessly stupid and boring book State of Fear? Yes! Scaring people is good fun! The best way to scare people, of course, is to put together a bunch of highly scientific data that has to be explained carefully so that one understands it. That is a good scare tactic. That's why horror movies always start with a bunch of scientific mumbledy-gumbo before someone gets axed.

I Drink Because of You

So I went to my doctor this morning and she didn't respond to my ceaseless whining about my back pain and misery, so when she left the room I slipped on my "Give me Painkillers, Now!" T-Shirt and she ignored that, too. I have never even had painkillers except for wisdom tooth removal, an occasional ear infection, and giving birth ("The baby is crowning? Wow, who knew!") but I just know I would like them very much and would like to become heavily addicted to them. I would make the ideal painkiller addict and I would like a stab at it before I die. But no one will give a chance to descend into addiction, battle it, and emerge a cleansed person with a story to tell. It's so unfair.

I am sure that happiness is an absence, not an addition.

But the addition of painkillers would be the perfect equation, yes?

Instead, the doctor said that if I tried to lead a healthier lifestyle I would probably feel a lot better very quickly. I talked a lot about our organic farm share and she seemed impressed. I waited for the painkillers prescription after that, but in vain. Did she realize how MUCH salad I eat? I have flavonoids and antioxidents seeping out my pores! Healthier lifestyle? I asked "Is it OK for me to drink?" She said, "Oh goodness, a glass of wine a night is absolutely fine! Don't worry."

Hmm.

Here are 10 reasons why drinking is so spectacular:

1. It drowns out your caterwauling, you mewling creatures.
2. It makes places like Juniors (North Avenue, New Rochelle) seem dreamy and avant-garde, even while a drunk is gnawing on your ankle and vomiting into your purse.
3. Everyone's prettier.
4. I can sing.
5. You have the right to hang a cocktail flag from your porch. Ours has a depiction of a martini with an olive. It's rather...unique in our neighborhood.
6. Pain go away!
7. It works equally well for celebration and a miserable, naval-gazing stupor.
8. It makes heatlh freaks and yoga addicts look boring.
9. Personality...enhanced!
10. It blocks out the memories of YOU, my Evil Midget Boss!

Chapter Two of the latter story to arrive suddenly, when you least expect it. Better check the blog.

I could do ten more. Send me yours.

New Rochelle and Organic Glory

The (formerly) chubby and portly have taken to eating salad for dinner. In the past, this would have been a disgrace. However, the salads we make are the biggest, most delectable salads one might encounter in many moons. Thanks to our local organic farm share, a box of goods is delivered unto us every Wednesday morning. (Except two Wednesdays ago, when it was delivered to our neighbors, Lorraine and Vinny. She reported praising the Lord for our generosity and then devouring three heads of lettuce. The beets were given to a local religious man, but we did receive the turnips after the mistake was discovered.) So...the salads. They are a riot of color and beauty, chock full of red cabbage, golden peppers, scallions, lettuces of many hues, and something this week called "garlic scapes." target="_new">Linky!

Why have I lived this long and not eaten a single garlic scape? These things are the bomb! They are like the garlic's tender young cousin, or some such. They come in delicate little looping curls, which resist chopping, but once tamed they can be tossed into a salad or simply snacked upon.

We also have our own version of an "organic garden" out in back of our home, which is like a small green nirvana in the shadow of New Roc's Trump Plaza, the hideous Radisson, and other squat and ugly buildings designed by uninspired architects. New sod has completed the look. It's a lush green carpet of fun which one can run on barefoot without fear of discarded Taco Bell wrappers and empty Snapple bottles (the end of our street cannot say as much). When I learn how, I will post before and after photos. In our garden we grow tomatoes, peppers (hot and sweet), brussels sprouts (which are adored by butterflies and bees alike...who knew?), blueberries, wild raspberries (which our neighbors lay claim to), and celery. Anything that grows underground turns out stubby and runty, so we pick above-ground options. These all go into the miraculous SALADS which are also responsible for our svelte figures. Having salad for dinner requires several meaty/cheesy options during the day, so don't try this at home unless you want a headache and a grumpy attitude. Oh, and let's not forget the wine. If all you're going to do at night is eat greens and stare at each other glumly across a table, things may go sour fast. Drinking wine with salad is crucial.

I have decided on a new purpose for my blog...to bring live and love to the city that we proudly call NEW RO. New Rochelle, the sandwiched stepchild of affluent (and snarky-ass) Pelham which is hateful beyond all reckoning, and Larchmont (also affluent but less offensive and containing some nice and occasionally interesting folk). Oh, and Scarsdale on the northern border, where we once sent our cat to be schooled in the Scarsdale Diet. What can be said about it, except that the schoolchildren test rather well...most suspicous, that. New Rochelle, of course, contains many a beautiful 2 million dollar home, no doubt. These homes are not on my street. New Ro does have a bad rap, such as what my friend JD said about it when we moved here 2 + years ago: "New Rochelle? Watch it...you might get killed." That was a great thing for a pregnant mom to hear...hurrah!

So, here are five great things about New Rochelle:
1. The homes are still affordable here. No shit! Check out the 2 family Victorian down the street from us. It's like 100 years old and big and oozing with charm. I would really like you to move there. Please. Do you read good literature? Or any books at all? Please move here now.
2. Five Islands: This park is a 15-minute walk from my home and is incredibily beautiful. Never mind the discarded rusted metal things at the edge of the water. Never mind the scummy mung that was stuck to your toddler's shoes after a walk by the shoreline. Oh, and there's no swimming here. Ha, I was really tempted.
3. Story Hours at the Library (and other classes): These are FREE. The libraries are awesome, Especially the children's library, where there is an excellent playground accessible to kids in wheelchairs and hungry waterfowl that do not fear humans.
4. Easy Highway Access: To all sorts of other places. Do you like to go to VT and NH? You will get there much quicker from here than you do from Manhattan or Bklyn or just about anywhere else, including NJ. Today we went to Saxon Woods Pool. It is the biggest pool ever. It's filled with spraying fountains and swimmers in lap lanes and chunky ladies spilling out of their suits. It's really well run and the lifeguards are like Nazis. They will protect your child's life. Today they closed the whole pool for maybe two minutes to either check for a floating doodie or refresh their jugs of caffeinated ice tea.
5. Trump. He has put his name on a big-ass building here (right by the train station, which can whisk you to Manhattan in 30 minutes. Ha! Beat that, Mamaroneck!) Where he goes, we imagine fine restaurants and money will follow. So WHAT that there was an Easter riot right across the street from the giant Trump edifice. Easter is a time for rioting. People eat lots of sugary bunnies and chocolate eggs and they go MAD. It happens even in sleepy little hamlets. People eat Easter candy, fire guns. So common.

Oh, I could go on. And I will. Just wait!