So I went to my doctor this morning and she didn't respond to my ceaseless whining about my back pain and misery, so when she left the room I slipped on my "Give me Painkillers, Now!" T-Shirt and she ignored that, too. I have never even had painkillers except for wisdom tooth removal, an occasional ear infection, and giving birth ("The baby is crowning? Wow, who knew!") but I just know I would like them very much and would like to become heavily addicted to them. I would make the ideal painkiller addict and I would like a stab at it before I die. But no one will give a chance to descend into addiction, battle it, and emerge a cleansed person with a story to tell. It's so unfair.
I am sure that happiness is an absence, not an addition.
But the addition of painkillers would be the perfect equation, yes?
Instead, the doctor said that if I tried to lead a healthier lifestyle I would probably feel a lot better very quickly. I talked a lot about our organic farm share and she seemed impressed. I waited for the painkillers prescription after that, but in vain. Did she realize how MUCH salad I eat? I have flavonoids and antioxidents seeping out my pores! Healthier lifestyle? I asked "Is it OK for me to drink?" She said, "Oh goodness, a glass of wine a night is absolutely fine! Don't worry."
Here are 10 reasons why drinking is so spectacular:
1. It drowns out your caterwauling, you mewling creatures.
2. It makes places like Juniors (North Avenue, New Rochelle) seem dreamy and avant-garde, even while a drunk is gnawing on your ankle and vomiting into your purse.
3. Everyone's prettier.
4. I can sing.
5. You have the right to hang a cocktail flag from your porch. Ours has a depiction of a martini with an olive. It's rather...unique in our neighborhood.
6. Pain go away!
7. It works equally well for celebration and a miserable, naval-gazing stupor.
8. It makes heatlh freaks and yoga addicts look boring.
10. It blocks out the memories of YOU, my Evil Midget Boss!
Chapter Two of the latter story to arrive suddenly, when you least expect it. Better check the blog.
I could do ten more. Send me yours.