Thursday, August 9, 2007

Global Warming: Yeah, it was invented to SCARE you!

I finally watched An Inconvenient Truth last night. (I don't get out to the movie theaters much; Netflix is my preferred vendor of films both old and new.)

This is a horror movie! No kidding. Any fool with at least one eye, one ear, and a modicum of sweatglands cannot fail to see the changes that are occurring right now. And one o' those polar ice chunks could start to melt any day, giving me the luxurious waterfront property I have always dreamed of.

My favorite part of the film is when Gore surveys a slide of the Planet Earth being weighed on some scales against a stack of gold bars. Hmmm...that gold looks mighty good. (He says.) I'd like to have some of that!

When is he going to announce his candidacy? I hope he is biding his time, ready to spring like a leopard when the rest of 'em have squandered their millions and weakened their voices from constant squawking. Although I am fond of Obama; he still seems relatively untainted. This film is the best campaign video ever made...with not a wit of politics in it at all. He has some real passion.

The good news is that we can do something. Go to the link above and check it out. I discovered that, by eating such numerous local, organic salads, I am already doing a good thing. And one other thing not mentioned is that these salads do not require heat--raw is good! I am part of the Raw Food Movement! Although a good filet mignon is hard to beat.

Here are stupid things that offend me that contribute to global warming:

Asinine plastic fruit packaging that is not coded for local recycling, to protect the poor, tender pears from a bruise.
The deli guys who put a can of Diet Coke into a paper bag for you, with a napkin and a straw.
Diet Coke and its ilk.
The people in Pelham who have ONE spoiled child each and yet drive monstrous SUVs hither and thither, taking up all sorts of room.
Scaredy-cat kids who have to leave the lights on all night. (Aww, I guess I can forgive them.)
Nurserys that sell little plants in plastic buckets, instead of biodegradable pots.
The New York Post. Its very existence.
Packaging for ^%$#@ children's toys that adds eight pounds of plastic, cardboard, and plastic wirey things to a toy which is junk and will be ignored after the first 5 minutes.
Flatulent cows.

Oh, I could go on. How about all those nasty factories burning fossil fuels faster than you can say "Enjoy your watery grave, coastal dwellers!" How about those lard-ass burpers and farters at the Radisson Pool, gorging themselves on beef raised on what was once verdant forest soaking up all that nasty CO2? [My fact checker is away on a guitar mission.]

I am mad, and my back hurts. I also ate one large cupcake today and it started to do backflips in my tummy, after it encountered the antioxident salad particles that have made the place their home lo these many weeks. There was a brief scuffle and the cupcake was neutralized, but not without some nauseating pain. Damn the cupcakes of the world! Damn their sweet, creamy frosting!

Thought: How does one become so evil that one is willing to be a "global warming is a hoax" sort of person? I mean, a hoax to what end? Why would someone bother to perpetuate such a hoax? To scare people into recycling and using energy-smart lightbulbs? Hmmm. Yes, that's it. Those people mean to prosper from the hoax! And if they do mean to prosper, doesn't it follow that...achieving a safer planet might also be good for the economy?

Or is that the Green Team, as it were, doesn't mean to prosper financially, but they just like SCARING people (a la Michael Crichton's relentlessly stupid and boring book State of Fear? Yes! Scaring people is good fun! The best way to scare people, of course, is to put together a bunch of highly scientific data that has to be explained carefully so that one understands it. That is a good scare tactic. That's why horror movies always start with a bunch of scientific mumbledy-gumbo before someone gets axed.

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