Thursday, August 2, 2007

Pimple Popper, MD

I like when I can get in a Seinfeld reference in the very first sentence--nay, in the subject line! Wasn't Dr. Pimple Popper this nutty broad from Melrose Place ? She has a SUPER high forehead and, as crazy Kimberly, she blew up Melrose Place itself! Yeah, blew it up! And she had a freaky scar under her hair because she was nuts and possibly part of her brain had been removed. Oh yeah, I guess she's also in that show Desperate Housewives. I gave that show one try and got bored. Poo.

I know too much about Melrose Place.

Anyway, I saw my very own dermatologist today for my annual "freckle check." As she searched me for malignant melanoma, she said: "You see, skin cancer is unlike other cancers because you can see it! Most cancers are spotted by a spouse, or by the person themselves, because they are right there on the skin! Unlike something like...say...liver cancer, which just grows and grows and creeps up inside you until--bam!--it knocks you dead!"

Oh lordygodohlord. Should I wear a button that reads "I am a hypochondriac! Please do not taunt me!"

She found no melanomas or anything like them. I asked her about my stretch marks (thanks, German changeling child!) and she said bluntly that "only surgery will fix that now." But i much mislike the concept of a surgery that "creates a new belly button." YUCK. I like my old one, and I want it back, please.

Why didn't i wear midriff-baring shirts EVERY SINGLE DAY before I had children? Once I get the chance to go back in time, I will buy caseloads of midriff-baring shirts and wear them into business meetings. I had a great, flat stomach and I should have shared it with the world.

I suspect stars of having had tummy surgery. Don't you?

Of course, one could wind up like the awful Tara Reid. Why did she not choose a sensible one-piece?

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