I've heard of blogs slagged for naval-gazing, and whoever did such slagging is a bore. What could be more infuriating and intriguing than the borders of my own little mind? And my mind is, a la the subject line of this blog post, rather...busy. Whoever has a handle on this meditation thing needs to contact me posthaste and give me some pointers. Lessee...sit in a comfortable position, let thoughts flow by, let them go and...attach to thought! Graaaa! Attach to thought like an angry dog and worry it like a bone!
While cutting down on one anti-anxiety medication in order to start a brand new one, I decided to try a clever experiment a few days ago. Just stop taking the stuff! (I told you it was clever. I am infinitely wise.) This morning, lying in bed, I began to recognize why I take it in the first place. My thoughts leap around like jumping beans held over a scorching flame. Something like this:
"I hope our bathroom turns out well since we are spending a lot of money on it and what time do I need to get the boys ready this morning and i wish i hadn't insulted that girl gabriella when i was ten years old she probably still remembers and if osama bin laden is still out there what is he plotting and how horrendous will it be and what will i cook for dinner tomorrow night and i had better call my parents what if i fail to call them and one of them DIES before i can call them and maybe there are some questions i ought to ask them before one of them DIES and why is it so hot in the room does that mean i am experiencing pre-menopause but gosh i am too young for that although i will be rather old on this next birthday and i had better start planning my son's fourth birthday and not let down the poor wee mite of course if I DIE that will be a big let-down for my children and they will weep hot tears and if I don't complete my book my husband will divorce me and why do i keep seeing incredibly vivid movies of wildflowers growing and enormous bees and brussels sprout plants and skyscrapers and cartoon characters whenever i close my eyes and what if one of the cartoon characters i see when i close my eyes gets squished under the wheels of a BUS that i also see when i close my eyes? What then? What then?"
Eyes shoot open. Morning light is creeping around the window curtains, and I hear the groan of a truck.
It all felt alarmingly familiar...alarmingly ME. Ah yes, I remember this. The sleepy morning mad-panic thoughts running wild and aimless while I lie as still as if I'd been dropped from a great height. There is a comfort about this familiarity, actually. It's a known quantity. Not so awful, nor was it accompanied by hyperventilation, lightheadedness, vertigo, and pain. Nevertheless, I shot down to the kitchen and gulped down a brand new Effexor pill. Yum!
I am also susceptible to something known as The Placebo Effect, which means that within an hour after taking the new pill I felt serene enough to drive on the highway. (These pills are supposed to take 2-4 weeks to really "work.") I felt darned good. I thought of all the fine times I've had and all the fine people I've known and decided that, well, I'm not going to die anytime soon, but even if I do, I've had a life to beat them all. I thought about running across the fields at Cragged Mountain Farm and the sun setting beyond the hills and the children, arms crossed, singing "Taps" around the flag, and all the times I've jumped into cold, clear lake water and swam out below the full moon. And heard the shouts of others, out there in the water while the campfire sputters in the wind and shoots mad sparks skyward. One night we tossed glowsticks to one another, and our glasses were tucked in our boots on the shore, and we were all but blind in the dark water of Round Pond.
Yes, my thoughts are prone to run wild; well, let them scatter in the good places.