Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, III

1. What are you wearing?
A cheap faux ruby necklace from Annie SEZ that causes people to exclaim "Ooh, where did you get that cute piece of jewelry?"

2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
Asbestos poisoning from something foul I inhaled on the way home past a construction site.

3. What was today's workout?
A 45-minute jam-packed session at New York Sports Club (SoHo) with the goddess of Total Body Conditioning, Loi, who puts more into 45 minutes that one ever dreamed or dreaded. She hates "girlie pushups" and wimpy manuevers that avoid exertion, and she strides around the class, demanding "more energy, people!" Sometimes she claps her hands and shouts "I'm busy, people. Busy! Move it!" She is a 40+ beautiful black woman with a body better than a 21-year-old, and she likes to say things such as "When you do your squats, stick out your booty like Brad Pitt is right behind you!" This is better than a personal training session!

4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
I offset my moral "carbon emissions" through well-placed prayer and random kindness to strangers.

5. What's that burning smell?
A smokie treat. Oh crap, when the nurse practitioner at my work health center reads this, her finger will start a-wagging.

6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
My old pet Dalmation, wearing a tutu that I used to tug on to her body with much protest and nipping.

7. What are you drinking, and why?
A full-bodied Aussie Shiraz, this one called "Mollydooker: The Boxer." A bit too thick and fruity for my tastes, but yummy all the same. Why? It warms me soul and pickles me heart.

8. In what ways hast thou offended?
I tossed an organically-raised white cabbage that might have turned the bend, but could have been salvaged with some careful pruning.

9. What's the next big thing?
Pigeons. They will appear on the menus of every fine restaurant in the form of "Pigeon Pie," "Squab Bundtcake," and "City Vermin Frisee with a Soot Demiglaze."

10. Music selection?
The Watson Twins, Southern Manners. Yes!
Gosh, why didn't I have a twin with whom I could record songs? Except that my twin would likely have been as tone-deaf as me. EXCEPT I do have the ability to sing single notes weirdly on pitch, note after note, when playing the guitar late at night. EXCEPT I have to have not smoked to accomplish this. Blast!


Anonymous said...

Excellent poo and sailing anecdotes! Good 10 Questions, too! How do you comre up with your topics--is there an editorial board and a meeting every Monday to decide on the thrust of the blog? I'm still recovering from the Play-Doh and Grapes picture. Fargh!

Granite Stater

Anonymous said...

Say--if you can sing note after note correctly with your guitar late at night, maybe you ought to practice doing that over and over, and then your long-lost twin will magically appear, and the two of you can duet like crazeee! I hear you play slide guitar as well!

Jerry Garcia

Anonymous said...

city vermin, while disgusting and horrifying on a daily basis, is oddly delicious prepared by a celebrity chef and stuuffed with something exotic. its only drawback being the next day panic "what if that was fresh caught and not raised as food? what if i ate something that eats things left behind by drunks?" the poetic justice of eating something that eats the pizza crusts i've dropped does not improve the flying rat phobia. which all makes me wonder why no one eats sea gull?