Monday, September 17, 2007

Hello, My Flower!

The Nasonex Bee.

I am in a bad mood, and do you want to know why, my little flower? I have frightful seasonal allergies, that's why! And rather than an industrial-sized can of NAzzzzoNex, I have Flonase. "Flonase," said in the flat, disaffected accent of a research scientist. "Flonase," pronounced with as much verve and panache as someone might pronounce the words "dry cracker" or "toilet brush." "Flonase," with no racy pronunciation of the "zzzz!" near the end. Antonio Banderas could have done a good job with FLOOOoooNazze but did they hire him? No! Too cheap. Too unimaginative.

The Nasonex bee, on the other hand, is a bee to reckon with. It's crazy to see that big-eyed, growly bee whizzing around the heads of the poor people struggling with seasonal allergies! He doesn't mess around. He uses NAZZZZZooooNex.

You may ask: What if the Nasonex Bee did not have a Spanish accent? What if he had a southern twang, or a clipped British accent, or even a thuggy Italian grunt? Wouldn't things be DIFFERENT? Wouldn't your, like, whole Weltanschauung be disrupted?

Yes, it would, and such things are impossible and hurt the mind to contemplate. The Nasonex bee must be a Spanish-speaking bee, voiced by Antonio Banderas, as much as the sun must rise in the morning. Some things are just part of the natural cycle. When those Nasonex ad reps sat in a room, they might have considered other options such as:

French: Nasonneaux
German: Der Nazzonex
Greek: Nasopolous
Russian: Das Nazoneski

But in reality, none would suffice except the bee we now know and love--a bee with a hint of Pepe le Pew, Latino style, snuggling up to a flower with lust in his heart and allergens in his nostrils.

Flonase. Oh, the dullness and inefficacy of it makes me want to shove my head into a hermetically-sealed, allergen-free, dust-free, oxygen-free sack.


Anonymous said...

You make a good point. Why the weird Latino/French accent right when the whole country is having this debate on immigration? We need to keep those goddamn ferrun' bees out of the good ole U.S. or A. They've been comin over here for too long taking away jobs from American bees. Pisses me off.

Anonymous said...

Unintended side-effects: May cause drowsiness, impaired vision, and impart a weird accent that sounds like French Menudo.

Anonymous said...

I hate to tell you this, but Pepe LePieu is a convicted sex offender. He was caught groping a woman in one of the lost Warner Bros episodes. It's true.

Anonymous said...

"The character of Pepe LePew was actually based on the life of Peter Lorre. Apparently, his amorous advances were legendary, but if they had given the French rodent a cigarette, as was originally intended, it would've been too obvious. His widow got wind of the persona and threatened to sue for libel... Warner Bros. wouldn't can the character, but they cut out the cigarette as a concession to some degree of anonymity."

from p. 84 of "I was a Horny Skunk" by Mel Blanc.

Anonymous said...

Pepe LePew, aka "the Stinker", is alive and well and living in Vermont. He is also the soon to be crowned champ of his Fantasy Baseball league.

Anonymous said...

Wake up people! The Nasonex bee had a French accent...Then when the French didn't go along with the war, they thought it might hurt drug sales.
Besides the Spanish bee appeals to a larger audience .