Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Hookers, Mangos, and Aerodynamic Pickles

New Rochelle just gets better and better, but Johnny Law always has to step in and ruin the party. Recently, this Up and Coming New Ro Business was shut down despite a clear marketing strategy (specials on opening nite!) and gay bunting at the business storefront advertising a grand opening.

If you are going to open a house of ill-repute, it is always wise to tie a big red ribbon round the ol' oak tree, pull your brocade curtains, and leave ample parking for cars. Selecting four weaselly, sullen prostitutes with secret itches for spanking pansy-assed suburban businessmen, and buying a bunch of remainders at the Cat o' Nine Tails sample sale also shows business savvy. Shutting these poor folks down just isn't very sporting. New Rochelle is trying to rise, brothers! Let it rise! I have seen a few playground finance daddies who would be well-served by a pimply drop-out wielding a riding crop.

In what will be revealed in the fullness of time to be not at all a non-sequitur, I now announce that mangos are the fruit of the devil. After my recent exposure to The National Mango Board, sexy photos of the forbidden fruit drove me to buy an industrial-sized crate of mangos from Costco. They sure looked yummy! (And, indeed, they are.) However, I was unaware of the fact that mango skin contains urioshol, the same nasty oily ingredient in poison ivy. Check out this Curious Case of the Handprint Rash. Just imagine snacking on a poison ivy plant and you will get a clear picture of the fate that has befallen me. Death come quick, like dagger.

The best part is that the doctor I visited this morning dumped a bunch of hydrocortisone, some weirdly long cotton swabs, and about 18 pairs of medical rubber gloves (presumably to apply the medicine) into my purse. Wait until I disembark the train at New Ro, stumble a bit, and spill that out onto the platform! "Hmm, you looking for North Avenue, sweetie? Ooh, that's a nasty rash."

Lest we forget in the midst of all this naughty fun, this Sunday is International Pickle Day! Don't forget to pelt your neighbor a good one with a big, moist kosher dill. Gherkins have great aerodymanics, and spears are good for beatings. I like the sound of a pickle as it strikes a sibling on the temple, and the look of outrage that follows provides many heart-warming family memories for years to come. But some pickles, as they say, are just too tasty to toss.

International Pickle Day is a dark day for some, so let us not forget their plight during our merriment.

1 comment:

Tk said...

Won't somebody think of the prostitutes? The prostitutes, woman! What will they do now?