Tuesday, January 15, 2008

All religions are whack-a-doodle

Lest ye get offended before I even begin, be assured that "whack-a-doodle" is not a pejorative term. I mean no insult to Buddhists, Wiccans, Mormons, and the rest of you lot, but I'm pretty sure your own religion falls into the whack-a-doodle category. For example, if it involves any of the following:

Virgin births
A bunch of snails sitting on some dude's head
An angel named "Moroni"
Worrying over your choice of name for a stuffed animal
Eating the flesh of one's savior on a weekly basis
Frequent use of crystals
Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy

Do you think maybe it's just a teensy-weensy bit strange? Not that that's bad, mind you...just strange.

OK, I think Mormons are kind of extra whacky. (And one of 'em just won the Michigan primary! And he looks like a two-bit J.C. Penney model!) The fundamentalist Mormons, which more mainstream Mormons are all probably rather embarrassed about, are extra-funky weird. My favorite story is how the founder of the religion, Joseph Smith, went to his wife one day and said something like the following: "Um, honey...I received another revelation. This one makes it abundantly clear that I'm supposed to take more hottie, young wives and you're supposed to be all obedient about it and stuff." Actually, he had his secretary or toady transcribe the revelation and hand it to her, the ball-less coward. Apparently, his wife, Emma Smith, did not take the news very well.

Want to know how quickly you may slip-slide down the rails into the fiery hot place? Is your soul in danger of a deep fry? Try this Belief-O-Matic quiz and it will tell you what religion may best suit you. A few years ago I took it and came up strongly as a Neo-Pagan, but now that my clothing style has become more conservative and I gave up the patchouli spray I seem to be more of a Secular Humanist or perhaps a Unitarian Universalist. Who knew?

Either way, my God rocks and yours is a doodyhead and I'm a-gonna be saved! I will be at your door very shortly to save you. Saving you will involve much lecturing, and I'll eat your food while I'm there.


72 virgins said...

I am thankful that we live in a country where people are free to worship in the place of their choosing.

Anonymous said...

My god is a jealous god and he will smite you.

gene said...

My God's name happens to BE "Doodyhead," and needless to say, I am extremely offended and disappointed that you would poke fun. It ruined an otherwise well-written and thoughtful piece for me.

Despite this, I will continue to read your blog.