Last night we watched the first installment of R. Kelly's brilliant "Hip-HOpera," Trapped in the Closet. This is just about the funniest thing I've ever seen. Through a series of 12 chapters, R. Kelly sings a preposterous, convoluted story of betrayal and infidelity, peppered with such details as a rubber discovered in his wife's bed right after he starts "goin' crazy like I was tryin' to give her a baby!" and a midget named "Big Man" (he's blessed in "that area") hiding under the sink of another cheating spouse (cleverly named Bridget, which you may have noticed rhymes with "midget").
After we had declared R. Kelly a comedic genius, we then watched his commentary on the DVD. There sits R. Kelly is a lounge chair, coolly smoking a cigar and entranced with his own work pictured on a large screen before him. He proceeds to describe what is going on in the most inane, obvious, solemn manner...leaving us with but two conclusions: A) This cat is even slyer than we realize...he's pulling a ju-jitsu dupe job on the viewer! B) This cat is insane.
Here is a sample of the type of commentary we get:
On screen: R. Kelly, playing "Sylvester," is hiding in a closet after a one-night stand goes awry and the husband is coming up the stairs.
I’m in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”
R. Kelly's commentary: Here I am in the closet. I'm hiding, see, because the husband is looking for me now, because he heard my cell phone. Man, I don't want him to open that closet. This is a tense moment.
On screen: The husband "checks under the dresser," while R. Kelly "pulls out his Beretta."
R. Kelly's commentary: Here I came up with Beretta to make a rhyme. See, if you notice, the whole thing rhymes! All the way through it rhymes. I don't know how that happened, but it just kinda happened that way. This thing with a Beretta is a cliffhanger. The story is all about cliffhangers. You're really tense, because he has a gun. You don't know what's going to happen. That's a cliffhanger.
So inspired were we that we by this piece of filmmaking that we decided to turn our entire day into one, long operatic adventure. The first chapter went kinda like this:
There's a smell in the bathroom
So she walks into the bathroom [Note: This is a rhyme.]
And looks behind the door
And she checks along the floor
It smells like Stinky Teddy
Yeah, it must be Stinky Teddy
With his chewed-on paws and toes
And his face that used to have but don't any longer have a nose.
And his matted-down fur all soaked in toddler spit
And she's thinking to herself, "Whoa, this is some deep shit!"
So now she's on a mission
To catch the smell emission
So she walks back to the bedroom
She's sniffin' round the bedroom [Note: Also a rhyme.]
And the smell is getting stronger
And the time she's taking to experience her fear is growing longer [Note: Here, the music rises in intensity.]
She says: "All of ya'll ass is crazy, let me up out this door,
Because this crazy-ass mo-fo stink is way more than I bargained for."
But now she looks at the closet
She walks up to the closet
She comes up to the closet
Now she’s at the closet
Now she’s opening the closet…
And there's Stinky Teddy
Stinkin' like a freed wildcat that just got loose
And got drowned in stink juice, juice, juice [fade out]