Sunday, January 6, 2008

"You're Likable Enough"

Look, when it comes down to it, you'll really just sort of do as a human being. But for gosh sakes, you're not as dislikable as, say, a puff adder or a deadly asp. You have nothing to be concerned about. No one really cares for the fact that you have a Medusa-like habit of turning people's blood to an icy slurry and then hardening the poo in their bowels with one steely-eyed glare, but that doesn't make you BAD. You might even be considered "not even close to being nice but just this side of Evil."

Poor Hillary. When she got hurty feelings, that was in fact her most likable moment throughout the debate. (I thought she made a good point about our current so-called President being a "likable guy." Look where that got us! The people who said they'd like to have a beer with him failed to realize that he's sober, a sure sign that he'd veered off the "fun track" some time back.) Obama's "You're likable enough" was in fact his most awkward moment--kind of like a blind date explaining why date # 2 was never, ever going to take place. He could have been more charitable. He could have simply said "It's not you, it's me, baby. I'm just too scorching...HOT! Look at my ears.*"

I'm not trying to be mean here, but I can't help the fact that every time I see Hillary I expect to see frozen death rays shoot out of her eyes. They were so heavy-lidded during the debate, no doubt from pure exhaustion, that when she was baited by the Edwards-Obama "Nyah, nyah, we are change and you are the status quo!" coalition and they SHOT OPEN to their full, robotic size I nearly screamed aloud. NOW the bodily growth to the 10th power and the maniacal stompling begins? It takes at least 2 1/4 hours to relax from that kind of scare.

The chalupa that Bill Richardson was likely dreaming of during the debate ("Your reply, Governor Richardson?" "Mmm...Yo quiero Taco Bell!") has more warmth in its little hide. I mentioned Hillary's lack of warm/fuzzy recently, and my friends pointed out that Hillary is perfectly appealing because she "smiles and laughs." So too does the jackal, before it feeds.

Shallow as it seems, my likability factor rests on two key components:

A. Can we stand to hear your strident/drawling/lugubrious voice for four years straight?
B. Can we stand to see your piggy/purse-lipped/triple-chinned face for the same eternal time period?

If only the President were to be shut up in a box, making Important Decisions in silence and secrecy, then maybe a President Dukakis could have had a wisp of a hope in this world. If you're bearded, bitchy, or overfond of the taste delicacy known as "fourthmeal," good luck to you.

* I might as well state my case. I'm going to choose my next President based on his ears. Barack Obama is not only inspirational, smart, and appealing, but his ears are the largest of all the candidates. What does that mean to you, the voter? All the better to hear you with! His ears are not just "big enough," they are very, very big indeed. Even if you are a meaningless gnat of a person, Obama is going to hear your needs. Think about that.

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