14 Unfortunate Truths

1. CFLs may save the planet, but the light they give off is exceedingly harsh and ugly. Suitable for the basement laundry area, garage, and attic only. Otherwise, you may start to look like the person mentioned in item #4.
2. Paula Abdul may deny that she is drug-addled, but she's doped up on goofballs for sure.
3. Naked toddlers occasionally cannot sense when poo is about to drop out of the back hatch onto the carpet.
4. Cindy McCain is an alien. She has deposited her eggs in the brain of her husband and is waiting for them to hatch.
5. That Britney no lookee so good with a few extra pounds on her. She ought to become anorexic.
6. Lumpen Proletariat cannot be cured of the notion that it's okay to ignore garbage that blows onto one's lawn.
7. Pregnant dudes? Yucky poo poo!
8. Someone you know probably looks a little bit like a turtle or a monkey. Admit it.
9. On occasion, you don't feel as "fresh" down there as you might like.
10. Sometimes you want to poke someone in the eye, but you hold back only for fear of reprisal and jail time.
11. Zoo animals hate us. If they could, even the herbivorous among them would eat us.
12. Mike Huckabee is clearly plotting something BIG and astounding. In 6 days or so.
13. Raising children should always involve an early and prolonged cocktail hour.
14. The saddest part about being pregnant is the early and prolonged lack of the rewards of item #13.