Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My littlest boy's piddles are single-handedly destroying the planet

Not because he is peeing on the flowers and the earth (although he does that, too). But because after depositing as little as three droplets in the potty, he jumps down and flushes—with a great deal of pride and delight. Multiply this by several piddles per day, and this adds up to gallons of water!

I want to shout "NO NO Don't flush it don't you know that people in Africa have to walk a mile to get a bucket of water and use that for everything all day including drinking and dishes and here you go and flush, flush, flush one of the Earth's most precious resources you tiny madman??!"

I keep silent. But here is my quandary: If I tell him to let it sit, will I be instilling bad habits? Years later, will he be visiting someone's house and neglect to flush—leading the hosts to exclaim "What an AWFUL bad-mannered boy!" What shall I do?

He must have flushed about six times on Earth Day alone.

I'll tell you what I do. Being 9 months pregnant, I have to piddle about 18 times throughout the night. I do not flush until about the 17th time, thereby restoring the natural balance of things. This type of behavior can make dear husband scream with rage, but those African families are thanking me. "If it's yellow, let it mellow!" they are chanting! So echoes the parched Earth.

Sometimes the littlest boy will also deposit a Turdlet of Extremely Small Size in the potty—one so miniscule that it is hardly worth flushing. The size of a coffee bean! But just as CFLs make us look like unattractive aliens, even Turdlets of Extremely Small Size must be flushed. The Earth has its natural rules, without which chaos would surely rule. "If it's brown, flush it down" is one of them.

He flushes the Tiny Raisin-Sized Poolet with glee. Then he tilts his head to one side, smiles, and sings a little song to cap it off: "Put a poop in your pocket, and save it for a rainy day." (Don't look at me. I don't know where he picked up such lyrics!)

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