I Have a Rabid Skunk

Living on my property! And if that's not a sell to get YOU to come and visit, I don't know what is.

His presence has been made known several times under cover of night. He wanders about rather drunkenly, exuding scent. We've seen him cross the front lawn and scuttle along by the back fence, usually disappearing into the neighbor's yard to the south.

The other day, however, Msr. Skunk came out in broad daylight and began sashaying around in a carefree, bon vivant way, oblivious to human activity. He pranced back and forth across the lawn several times, stinking up the joint something awful. I strode over to the neighbor's to ask his opinion, and there I met a workman.

"Thing's likely got rabies...or mange!" he pronounced. "Mange'll make 'em attack. Mange. They go right after you." My little three-year-old quailed behind my legs.

Mange? Isn't this a skin condition?

The neighbor got wind of the skunkeroo and called--who else?--the police! They came in a durned hurry.

"I can't just shoot the thing," said the cop.

"Why not?" asked my nanny brightly. "You've got a gun, don't you?"

The cop told us that we could request a trapper come out to deal with the animal, but as long as it was on private property we would have to pay for the man's services. I cooked up a scheme in which I would "shoo" the skunk out to the public street, where he could be dealt with at taxpayer's expense. However, I soon thought better of this stupid plan. Meanwhile, the skunk had slunk behind the woodshed. Skunk poo was later sighted in the vicinity.

Later that day, two Village of Mamaroneck guys pulled up, wearing what looked to be bright orange Hazmat suits. I rushed out to greet them.

"Skunk patrol?" I shouted, with some exuberance.

"Yar?" one said.

"Har!" the other said.

"Oh good!" I was relieved. "He's just out back there. Behind the shed."

"Yar!" they said in unison, smiling broadly. Then they went down the street to work on the road drainage system. Skunk Patrol, my arse!

The skunk still roams free, although I have not scented the beast lately. Perhaps the resident owl pecked him to death? I have also heard that a mommy deer and two babies have visited the back yard in the past few days. Born free, free as the wind blows! Who knew that Mamaroneck was such a haven for wild beasts of every make and mark?