Saturday, October 25, 2008

Oh Mighty Linens-N-Things, Farewell! Farewell!

Amidst all the financial ruin and collapse, surely the most poignant loss is that of Linens-N-Things. While I have been unable to find many linens there, the "things" have always been profuse indeed. "Things" such as chocolate fondue fountains, revolving spice racks, nubbly pillows in rainbow hues, and those fuzzy toilet-seat covers.

I went to the Port Chester branch today to get me a bargain or two. Unfortunately, the place was pawed over and the "things" were all in disarray. Since I had no cart, I wound up toting an aerobed on my shoulder, a dino-raptor (marked to $21 from $60!), two lampshades, and a blanket, as well as my fat five-month-old in a Baby Bjorn. I walked out, sweating and in pain, and noted the local pizza place was called "Pizza 'n' Things." Oh yes, things! Perhaps, in a nod to the mighty Linens-N-Things franchise, all the local stores in that shopping plaza could have honored it as such:

Dress Barn-N-Things
Knockoff Chinese Crap-N-Things
The Vitamin Shoppe-N-Things

Oh, great Linens-N-Things. Attention must be paid! God rest ye, great store of wine de-corkers and Teflon-coated cookware and "slidey" things that move one's furniture around. Where will we go for this stuff now? Bed, Bath & Beyond? It's a matter of time before that behemoth falls, and takes with it (like so many dominoes) all its followers:

Butternut Squash & Beyond
Discount Toilets & Beyond
Mammograms & Beyond
Masking Tape & Beyond
Toys, Firearms & Beyond

The outlook is dire indeed.

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