Tuesday, June 14, 2011

8 Fabulous Father's Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You




This Sunday is Father’s Day! Looking for a great gift for Dad, Father, Pater, Pa, Daddy-Wiggums, or That Man Who Spawned 'n' Spurned Me? I’ve rounded up some top choices that will make Dad cry and beat you quicklike, before retiring to the "teeth optional" dive bar on the corner for the remainder of the evening.

At "I am a stuffed animal" you can order a stuffed version of your daddy! It's better than the taxidermized version, because it has no feet, only stumps. Daddy can snuggle it while he watches football, which he invariably does. Then daddy can molest it, which he invariably does. (Note how they captured the model's thuggish cruelty hidden beneath the friendly smile? And the fat eyebrows that sit on his brow like malignant caterpillars? That is artistry, baby!)

Many people who come and go? Shouldn't father sort of come and...stay? What's with the father who "goes"? Isn't he known as a shithead and a deadbeat dad? You'd do better to break this stupid faux wooden plaque over his goddamn head!

The World's Largest Gummy Bear! When daddy eats it his insides will gum up and he will start to have a crazyass acid trip and he will eat his socks and wind up curled in the corner like a small bean, weeping. Why are they all STARING AT ME? They glisten.

This T-shirt is actually pretty awesome. But if you give it to your dad, you will have to include the infant in the gift package or else he won't get the joke, think the shirt is too small, and beat the living fuck out of you.

Jerky of the Month Club, jerky jerkface daddy who never showed up for my ballet recitals! I hope your blood pressure shoots up to salty heights of meaty badness.

This Is What the World's Best Dad Looks Like. He has BOOBS. Awesome.

Damn, this daddy must be hot because he is spawning children faster than we can make amorphous pawprints from them! Are Jordan and Caleb the total black sheep of the family, or what? Did we run out of K names?! What about Kaleb and Kordon?

The little hearts on the base of this figurine do nothing to eliminate the fact that you have given your father an image of himself as a wild and predatory animal, sitting on the shitter. Is that how you see your father? When he is done manhandling his beer, laptop, football, cell phone, crown, paper, and woolly balls, he will take a switch to you.
You might also like: All The Beautiful Ways To Say I Love You

12 comments:

The Rake said...

Dad's Throne for me, PLEASE!!!!

Sara Furlong-Burr said...

Genius! Just what needed tonight. Thank you!

Marewolf said...

When I was a child I had a recurring dream that involved gummy bears. Those giant ones totally bring me back!

But thanks for the reminder! No idea what I'm doing for hubby for father's day...

Anita said...

I'm pretty sure Mr. Camping ate about half a dozen of those gummies before his vision of the rapture hit. Coincidence? I think not.

LOL! Great post, wild pony girl!

Donna K. Weaver said...

What fun gift ideas. My sweet father died earlier this year, so I'll be sending cards to my sons who are fathers or a father to be.

tori said...

WOW. It's nearly impossible to choose a favorite, but the subtle passive-aggressiveness of the wooden plaque makes it an unexpected front-runner (plus it's just a gorgeous piece of art).

Carol Riggs said...

Oh no! Yikes, I'd nearly forgotten Father's Day was coming up soon. Thanks for the reminder. ;o)

Ewww, gummy bears! Those are so gross. LOL I think I'm gonna get my hubby a Kindle (combo birthday and Father's Day present). How about that??

Catherine Stine said...

OMG!!! This is absolutely friggin' hilarious! Yeah, I agree with "The Rake", the figurine on the throne is the best.
BTW, thanks for your comment on my blog about my art. My link, since you asked is:
http://catherinestine.com/illustration.htm

Bethany C. said...

I'd be all over that bear on the crapper thing for my dad, but he doesn't have tighty whities puddling around his ankles.

I guess the search for the perfect gift continues...

Sophie Li said...

Would it be considered sharing if I bought the 'World's Largest Gummi Bear' because I really want it and know that he'll get tired of it and give it to me?

:)

cherie said...

Ack! You should see the manbabies pics I tweeted about this a.m. (and I tagged you and the goat girls).

As usual, you are A.W.E.S.O.M.E.!!

Medeia Sharif said...

What awesome gift ideas! I love those huge gummy bears.