Friday, June 17, 2011

Query: MY HOUSE

Binxie Durbin
Weichert, Realtors
Larchmont, NY
 
Dear Ms. Durbin,
 
"They haven't done a thing to keep it up."
 
"What a disgrace! No curb appeal."

"That old dump should have been razed back in the 1890s."
 
That's what the neighbors mutter about 42 Terrace Lane. But what they don't know is that the house hides a secret. Behind the crumbling plaster, musty shag carpets, and hideous 1970s wood paneling, 42 Terrace Lane is bursting with potential. Yes, she has crickets in the basement and a poltergeist in the wainscoting, but when a new owner sinks approximately half a million dollars into her, she's going to be gorgeous.
 
A little down on her luck, 42 Terrace Lane is determined to make something of herself. They won't dare call her a "filthy eyesore" anymore. This time, she's going to have shiny granite countertops, not Nu-Econo-Brik. This time, she's going to have a porch that doesn't sag, and a back deck with a brand-new Weber gas grill, and there are going to be really good dinner parties with fine china in her dining room, damn it. If she can just get there before a potential owner's spike heel punches through the rotting wood on the stairs, she's golden.

My Victorian dystopian for adults and several children, MY HOUSE, is complete at 2,467 square feet. It’s like a cross between THE JONES’S HOUSE, MO 'N' JACK'S SPORTS BAR, and FOLSOM PRISON. Please let me know if you care to see any portion of it; I'd be happy to provide access to the front porch or foyer. I am open to suggestions for revision, including tearing off the back half of the house so that a little sunlight might get into the damp corners of the living room.

MY HOUSE is my second dwelling; MY FIRST HOUSE was sold to a nice couple from New Rochelle in 2008. I have other works on the property, including MY GARAGE and MY ROTTING STORAGE SHED WHICH PROBABLY CONTAINS SOME ANIMAL FAECES, which may also interest you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

7 comments:

cherie said...

Now if I can just write a query that good, I may be able to sell my RV, despite the clogged toilet and the hole in the middle of the floor (aka improvised toilet).

:D

Robin Weeks said...

You should definitely send this to an agent. :)

The Rake said...

Not just granite counter-tops butt AWESoME granite sinks!

http://awesomesinks.com/

This was Hann.

YES AWESOME!

Catherine Stine said...

Is this a query, really? It's so durn cool! The place we bought upstate had a floor that was rotted out in the center from someone's fish tank collapsing and flooding. Now that's a crap house!

Bethany C. said...

I've got this shed in the back that's housing more black widows than garden tools. It's yours if you think it will seal the deal for you.

Jennifer said...

If you write fake queries that good.......My father was born in New Rochelle in case you wanted to know. I wish I had a poltergeist in my wainscoting. You are too funny thanks for the laugh!

tori said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I MUST SEE THE REST OF THIS GENIUS WORK. i'm thinking trilogy? MY HOUSE, MY FACE, YOUR MOM'S FACE.