Friday, June 10, 2011

The Insects Are Going to Sit On Us

My husband heard on NPR the other day that there are 200 million insects for every human on the planet.

"Just suppose," says he, "That they all got wise, and that they decided to gang up on us. It would be 200 million to one!"

I thought about this, and said, "Yes, even 200 million butterflies would win against one frail human. They could all flap their wings in unison. What about 200 million blackflies or mosquitoes? What if they decided to fight us? They would win!"

"Who said anything about fighting?" said my husband. "All they'd have to do is sit on us."

You see now why I have an anxiety disorder.

I thought, "What a great idea for a new book!" so I wrote one immediately.

My new book THE INSECTS SAT ON US is a YA Paranormal Romance, in which our heroine Brittanee meets Jordan, a football player, but their romance is ruined when they are both sat upon by aphids, earwigs, and termites. It is complete at 32,345 words, which is as far as I got before I was sat upon by a cloud of moths, who ruined my typing skills. I am sending it to you, agent, who are now likely being sat upon by locusts and boll weevils. I don't expect a response, but if you should reach out to some editors you know before they, too, are sat upon by mites and beetles, this book may yet stop the plague which is now upon us.

THE INSECTS SAT ON US is like a cross between ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME MARGARET and THE BIBLE. And maybe with a bit of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE and TWILIGHT and some Kafka and Dante thrown into the mix. It would be best to accept this book because I think now that the insects have become my friends, and will sit on those who spurn me. They will sit with alacrity! They will sit with their antennae fierce and erect! Do not cross them.

Respectfully and now totally controlled by insects, who are cooking my supper and braiding my hair,
The Party Pony

14 comments:

Marewolf said...

For the love of all that is holy how do you come up with this stuff?!

Every time I read your blog, my husband looks at me and says, "What are you doing?"

Probably because I'm cackling and bursting into fits of giggles like I just smoked a big fat doobie (I haven't, incidentally).

Looking forward to the book, no doubt it will be picked up by a publishing house soon (unless the bugs sit on the acquisition team first). ;)

Sam Southworth said...

This explains so much! Thanks awfully for putting us in the know, you old alarmist, you! What's next...dating tips for carnivorous whelks--the movie??

Andrew Leon said...

I have no response to this. Maybe it's because the a swarm of locusts are banging on my door, and I'm hiding under my bed.

cherie said...

ROFL!! I want to read that book ASAP lest I get sat on by the hordes of hornets and yellow jackets already invading my backyard and eyeing me with their evil insectly eyes as I attempt to battle them with noxious fumes.

*buzz buzz

I uh...if I don't make it...gasp...tell (buzz) that I love...

...

Read my books; lose ten pounds! said...

lol little house on the prarie and twilight! teehee

Catherine Stine said...

YOW! Scary thought. I used to have nightmares about worms. Yesterday, I was riveted to the testimony in the Casey Anthony trial, about the "coffin worms" (really maggots) described by the professional entomologists. They can tell, b the life cycle of the pupae, how long the body had been there, decomposing. YECCCHHH!

greenwoman said...

HAHAHAHAHA! The price of bug spray would SOAR!!!

Angela V. Cook said...

That actually happened to me once . . . I survived . . . barely. Death by bug swarm is not that uncommon in northern Michigan--just ask Green_Woman, that is, if she hasn't repressed the memories. ;-)

my word verification- "donsing," in other words, a German trying to pronounce "dancing"

Chris said...

Wow, that is hilarious! You should literally print out this blog post and send it to all the agents in the world. Someone will buy this from you!

Bethany C. said...

Do you and your husband get special tax credits? Like a multiple savants in the same dwelling discount or something?

You two are the freakiest, funniest people I've ever not-really-met.

T.S. Welti said...

Patiently awaiting the release of THE INSECTS SAT ON US. I expect it to be delivered by overnight snail-mail. :)

Sophie Li said...

HAHAHAHAHA ... only if we really could have insects do the cooking! Thanks for the laugh!

tori said...

i might be crying with hysterical laughter/dread/A GNAWING NEED TO PUBLISH THIS MYSELF IMMEDIATELY!!

Anita said...

LOL! Okay, now it's been confirmed. Your hubby is just as nutty as you. Which makes me like him ALL THE MORE!!

And yes, please sign me up for this book, pronto. (that wasn't me talking ... it was the dung beetles...)