OK, peeps, the Party Pony has not gone to the glue factory nor have I been accosted with an oft-traded fruitcake. Instead, I have been working on my novel. (Yes, I have other interests besides you. But they are paltry.) In my stead, I welcome guest blogger "Biggles," who spent the majority of the day watching the Rankin-Bass Marathon on the ABC Family channel. [Don't know what Rankin-Bass is? Oh yes, you do. You were warped by it. Heat Miser...Island of Misfit Toys...Rudolph's Shiny New Year ring a bell?] I have a strange fondness in my heart for this material, but it inspires nothing but ire in some of our friends in the far northern reaches. Witness the apoplexy of "Biggles":
OK--so I didn't watch the Rankin-Bass Christmas Special ALL day long...had quite a few other things to attend to--but I saw that dreadful Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, and that is just miserable and spanked...Circus by the Sea, my ass!--and then just now I saw the tear-jerking Blue Christmas throw-down with the little girl crying...how maudlin! What pathos! Rankin-Bass were clearly very, very high on acid much of the year, desperately trying to straighten up long enough to somehow bring themselves to molest some more clay figures in an annual effort at a new, goofy, poorly-written and plotted abomination. Oh, how their chosen craft must have gnawed at the very marrow of their souls! When Rankin-Bass closed their eyes, what stop-action mayhem did they see? Bumbles with outsized phalli? Pokey and Davey and even--yes--Goliath engaged in perversion with Frosty and Rudolph on the Island of Misfit Dildos? How much brandy would Santa have had to drink to get such a red nose? And is Mrs. Claus a shanty-dwelling bog-trotter trumped up as Lace-Curtain Irish? Faith and Begorra! And Rudolph's "friend," Fireball--what kind of dick is he?? If I wasn't such a jolly old soul myself, I'd join those British punks who run an entire "Fuck Christmas!" media campaign! But then I hear your voice drifting o'er the snow: "If ya don't believe, ya won't receive!"