One of my many anonymous "fans" has requested that I provide answers to these additional 10 questions, and I accept the challenge! (Why are all my "fans" anonymous, I wonder? I suspect that my "fans" are actually all the same person, cleverly disguised as a horde of obsequious followers. But I'm onto you, you sick stalker! Or is it you, mom? Either way, gonna git cha.)
11. What do you knowingly do that is really bad?
I put poo-poo inside your socks--the ones you don't wear very often and are at the back of the sock drawer.
12. Bottled water—hogwash or mother's milk from Mother Nature?
Only worthwhile if the water is removed from the bottle and replaced with hooch.
13. Is gray hair the equivalent of crab grass or are they tiny badges of honor that slowly cover your brain's lawn?
I do not have gray hair, you slanderer, but you can bet I'd dye it if I did. I actually wish my hair would turn pure white. If I were properly scared I bet it would happen.
14. Do you cry more easily today than you did 10 years ago?
Absolutely the opposite. I haven't shed a tear in the last few years except when I accidentally stepped inside that bear trap that was intended for you.
15. What is your next pet and why?
A narwhal. It has a curly horn, like a unicorn! I can use it to spear canapes after it has passed away and has been taxidermized.
16. Please tell us your favorite and least favorite smell. (No names, please.)
Favorite: Hot buttered anything. Least: A roadkill turtle in Arizona heat, with an old dessicated piece of SPAM in its jaws, and wrapped up in your soiled boxer shorts.
17. We've all had time to think about this one—Alf Landon or FDR? Be honest, please.
I choose ALF, the alien life form, please.
18. Do you prefer your ketchup ON your fries or on the side?
I ought to slap you for asking this. On the side, you knucklehead! How many times do I have to explain this to you? Were you born dumb or did you get whacked with the stoopid stick today?
19. What annoying habit of yours would you like to break?
I tend to lash out.
20. What quality do you like most in people?
We all, each of us, have the capacity to reach out and just fulfill our destiny by biting someone in close proximity. Can you say the same for the common whelk?